Loving a Sinner Read online

  “Yeah,” he lifted the papers and placed them on the desk in front of him before continuing, “I already filled out my end of the paperwork.”

  I retrieved the paperwork and began to look through it, more so to buy myself time before I had to look into his eyes again than it was to check the paperwork to make sure everything looked good. He was a smart man, and I was sure the paperwork was completely filled out accurately.

  “It’s even more beautiful in person.”

  I glanced over the papers to see him watching me with a serious look on his face that I couldn’t fully read.

  “You really can’t tell me who took it?” he asked.

  “No… I’m sorry.”

  He looked like I had just kicked his puppy. My heart ached because I had never been able to stand seeing him look sad. This man had owned my heart for a brief time in my life, and even now, after all that had been said and done, I would do anything to make him smile.

  “I could look into it for you?” I offered.

  Hey, Ryan, it’s Ryan here. Can I give Jackson your name? No? Okay, nice talking with you.

  I wasn’t exactly sure how I was going to get around this one, but I couldn’t have him sitting across from me with a frown planted on those perfect lips, and the way his face lit up with my offer made my stomach twist excitedly.

  “You’d do that?”

  “Sure.”

  He swept his tongue across his bottom lip, and I found myself wishing I could do the same thing with my own tongue.

  Cool it, Patterson.

  Jackson stood and my heart sunk a little knowing he would be leaving… again.

  “I’ll be looking forward to hearing from you,” he told me, a smirk playing on his lips. It didn’t take a genius to know that he was toying with me the way he had all those years ago—playing on the fact that he could read me like a book and always had been able to.

  He knew I wanted him, even if it was purely physical.

  I knew a part of me, a tiny almost nonexistent part of me, wanted him for more than that.

  The only thing that was uncertain was whether he still wanted me.

  It took everything within me not to turn around and head back into Ryan’s office. I wanted to ask her to dinner. I wanted to throw everything off her desk and take her there, in front of God and everyone. I wanted to tell her I had made a mistake ten years ago.

  But I didn’t.

  I had sat as her attention was turned to my paperwork, and I had taken the time to glance around her office and desk for any indication of what her life was like now. I had already noticed the fact that her ring finger was pleasantly absent of a wedding band. At least I had that going for me. Her desk had been rather lacking of any evidence that she was in a relationship… or that she had any life outside of the office for that matter. I couldn’t decide if that made me happy because it meant if I chose to act on my emotions I could still have a chance or sad for her because she had never lived that exciting life she dreamed about.

  Or maybe she had, and she just really hated office decorations and wearing rings and was currently living with a husband and three kids in a huge house outside the city. Perhaps she had visited Italy like she said she wanted, seen a Broadway show, took a picture pretending to squish the Eiffel Tower in her fingers. Maybe she had done everything she whispered about when she was lying in my arms all those years ago—telling me her secrets and dreams. A part of me hoped she at least got that tattoo she had sworn me to secrecy about.

  When I left Ryan behind ten years ago, I had told Kayla I didn’t want to know anything when it came to her best friend. She and I had become friends over my brief time in Cali. Kayla had held her side of the bargain and never mentioned Ryan to me. In fact, when I asked about her a few months after I left, Kayla had been very clear that she would not be telling me a single thing because, “I was an ass who didn’t deserve to know anything about her best friend.”

  At least Kayla and I agreed on one thing.

  So I had gone ten years with radio silence. I refused to look her up on any social media sites and had refrained from calling her number that I kept saved in my cell phone. After a year or so the distance became easier. Once I graduated, Devlin and I opened our business, Echane Holdings LLC, and that became my sole purpose and my entire life. Within two years of opening, we were a Fortune 500 company.

  Devlin had married Madison and they currently had three children together. When he asked me to be his best man at the wedding, part of me felt like I was betraying Ryan, but I had to remind myself that Devlin was my best friend and Ryan was an ex-fuck buddy.

  Even I didn’t believe that shit. Fuck buddy my ass. She had been far more than that to me, but I couldn’t focus on that because if I did, I would have to admit I had made the biggest mistake of my life by letting her go.

  With all the money I could ever dream of, no significant other to hold me down, and a self-destructive streak, I spent my twenties sleeping around and partying. If the girl was consenting and clean, I took her home. We would have our fun for the night and I would send her packing before the sun could come up. The over abundance of sex wasn’t my only vise. The drinking had become excessive at times, and eventually Devlin threatened to buy me out of my own company if I didn’t get my shit together. That was the wake-up call I needed.

  Eventually, I cut down the partying and limited the amount of women I allowed through the doors of my penthouse. I started going to board meetings again and had Devlin off my ass for the time being. Things had started to feel more steady and like I finally found my footing.

  Until she knocked on my door.

  With one look at her surprised face, everything was thrown off kilter again. I was falling, and I wasn’t sure if I would recover from finding her living in the same city as me. How could I live everyday knowing that she was just around the corner working at my favorite art gallery?

  Ryan had been my oxygen in a world where I couldn’t breathe. She had been the only thing I ever wanted, but wouldn’t allow myself to have. She was my state of grace when I was a poor, broken sinner who would always believe himself unredeemable.

  She was everything.

  And she could have still been my everything if I hadn’t walked away.

  I had done it for her. I gave her a life that she deserved by walking away. I couldn’t be selfish when it came to Ryan. I loved her more than she would ever know. But my heart was like a mosaic vase that had been put together sloppy and without care. Pieces were missing and there were holes that I didn’t think even Ryan could fill, though she tried.

  She deserved a masterpiece.

  I wasn’t ever going to be that for her. So, I let her go. I waved the white flag and accepted defeat. I got on that flight and never returned to California. I couldn’t bear to be in the same state as Ryan without seeing her. People would laugh when I told them why I wouldn’t ever make my way back to the West Coast. They thought it was dramatic, but they didn’t understand what I had left behind.

  I didn’t just leave Ryan Patterson behind that day.

  I left behind my hopes, my dreams, my future.

  I left behind my mosaic, broken heart.

  I ran up the stairs of my apartment building and quickly let myself into my home. I figured I had about five minutes to tidy up before Jackson arrived. I really hadn’t expected him to want to come back to my place so I hadn’t even attempted to clean up after myself this morning. My PJs were in a pile by my bedroom door and my makeup took up the counterspace of the bathroom. Dishes filled our kitchen, and I knew there was no realistic way to get to them in time, so I left them unwashed and prayed he wouldn’t need a drink of water after our… activities.

  Sex, Ryan Patterson. If you can’t say sex, should you really be agreeing to it with someone who’s practically a stranger?

  I hated when the reasonable part of myself started butting in where she didn’t belong. I did not have time to get into an internal debate. I was in crisis mode, and m
y sole focus was on throwing all my dirty clothes into a hamper, straightening up my bedsheets, and brushing my teeth.

  After a few minutes of scrambling, a knock on my door indicated that Jackson was finally there. Taking a deep breath to calm my nerves, I made my way over and opened it to find him leaning against the frame. He looked absolutely perfect.

  “Hey,” was all I could manage as I held the door open for him.

  “Before we start this thing, we need to establish some rules, Ryan.”

  Well then, right to it.

  “And we couldn’t have done this at Metallic Bean after you had me drive all the way over there for no reason?”

  “I didn’t think you’d really want an audience for anything we might be saying.”

  He had a point. I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed having the conversation with all those people around us.

  Jackson followed me to my couch after I shut the door behind us, and we sat. He kept a decent amount of space between us and began, “First, I want you to know this is kind of new to me. I’m used to… well, it doesn’t matter what I’m used to; just know this isn’t something I do everyday. With that said, this won’t turn into a relationship, Ryan. You have to promise me that you get that.”

  He waited for my reply, so I nodded. “No dating. We’re on the same page.”

  My answer seemed to please him, but he still continued without much of a smile. He was taking the entire thing very seriously. As if he couldn’t possibly imagine that a female could sleep with him without falling in love.

  No worries here. I’m about as inclined to fall in love again as I am to become an MLB pitcher.

  “So here are my rules. One, my shirt stays on. Don’t ask why, because I won’t tell you.” I thought about protesting, but he gave me a stern look that reiterated that he didn’t want me to ask. “Two, no kissing…” My eyebrows shot up and he sighed, “…Mouth to mouth. Everywhere else is fine, but kissing, actual kissing, is off limits. It’s intimate, and I don’t do intimate. Third, I will always use protection.”

  Well, he wasn’t going to ever have an argument for the last rule, but the second one had me a little bummed. I personally enjoyed kissing… a lot.

  It wasn’t that intimate…

  But I made no qualms, and he took a deeper breath as if to relax.

  “Do you have rules?” he asked me.

  I had to think about it for a couple of seconds before replying, “One, we don’t tell anyone about this. You can’t tell Devlin, and I won’t tell Kayla. It’s for their benefit more than anything.” It felt like a lie when I said it. Because we both knew it was to save our own asses. Who could predict what would happen if this little affair came out. I waited to see if he’d protest, but he didn’t. “Two, You must absolutely wear protection at all times. I’m not willing to risk anything with you.” I thought I saw him flinch slightly at my words, so I quickly added, “No offense.”

  “None taken… anything else?”

  “I don’t think so… Don’t fall in love with me?” It was supposed to be a joke, but Jackson’s face hardened, and I wondered if he didn’t find it funny.

  Jackson’s dark stare watched me for a second before he finally inched closer toward me. Lifting his hand, he pulled my hair away from the side of my neck, exposing my skin to him. My breath hitched, and I stayed incredibly still with the anticipation of what was coming. His thumb grazed against the place between my neck and my shoulder. I shivered, and a husky chuckle came from Jackson.

  “Ryan?” his heady voice breathed against me.

  “Hmm?”

  “You’re fucking gorgeous, and I’m dying to know what you’re pretty face looks like when I make you come.”

  Oh my…

  I thought I might melt right into the ugly floral print couch Kayla had chosen for us when we first moved in together.

  Devlin never talked dirty. Sex was formal and calculated like a well-planned dance.

  “Okay,” was the only logical thing I could think to say.

  He shifted our bodies so that I was lying on the couch, his knees pushing my legs apart. Fingertips played with the hem of my shirt while his eyes never left mine. In one swift move, he pulled my shirt up, exposing my lacy bra. It was red with small black flowers that looked like polka dots. My lacy boy shorts underneath my jeans matched.

  The groan that escaped Jackson had me biting my lip wantonly. I felt warmth spread down my stomach and pooling between my legs. I had never felt this wanted by anyone in my entire life.

  Jackson pulled me up enough to get my shirt completely off and within a matter of seconds, my bra joined my shirt on the floor beside us.

  “Fuck, Ryan,” Jackson groaned as he cupped my breasts in his hands. “You’re so fucking gorgeous.”

  I was about to protest—I knew my breasts were small and he had to be exaggerating—but I was stopped when his mouth connected with my left breast. His tongue swept over the swell of it and a loud moan escaped me.

  Shit, that felt amazing.

  “So beautiful,” he whispered against my sensitive skin.

  He left small kisses around my hardened nipple, and I thought I was going to lose myself completely if he didn’t relieve the throbbing I felt at the core of my body.

  As if he knew where my thoughts were, he lifted himself up and removed my jeans and panties, chucking them away from us. He took his time to take in my naked body, and I felt a blush creeping over my cheeks. I had never had anyone study me the way he was, especially with the look he was giving me—as if I looked like something he wanted to devour.

  “Ryan, I swear to God. How could anyone give this up? You’re perfect.”

  He was crazy, but I let him tell me pretty things because I craved them the way I craved the relief he could bring me between my legs.

  His hand tenderly trailed down my stomach to the place I wanted him. We both watched his hand as his fingers spread my lips apart and his thumb ran across the slick center.

  “You’re so wet, baby.”

  “Mm…” I couldn’t make any words because my mind was focused on the fact that his fingers were gently teasing me when all I wanted was for him to fuck me.

  His mouth came back down to my breasts, but this time his teeth bit down gently on my pebbled nipple, making me yelp with pain and pleasure. He finally dipped a finger inside of me, and I threw my head back. His mouth moved its way to my neglected breast and began sucking and imitating what he had just done to the other.

  When a second finger joined his first, he picked up speed— in and out, in and out— curling his fingers expertly, hitting my G-spot, something Devlin had never been able to find. Jackson, however, navigated my body like he had known it for years.

  “Jackson…”

  “Tell me what you want, Ryan,” he whispered as he continued to pump in and out of me with his fingers. “Tell me what you need.”

  “I need…” I was hesitant to say it. I had never talked dirty before, but I knew exactly what Jackson was waiting for. “I need to come.”

  “Do you want to come on my fingers, baby?”

  This man was going to be the death of me. Him and his magical fingers and his dirty words.

  “Fuck! Yes! Yes, please let me come!”

  He curled his fingers one last time and everything went a fantastic white, the pleasure taking over my body.

  I could feel his lips ghosting kisses across my neck as he groaned, “You’re so beautiful when you come, Ryan. I could watch that every day for the rest of my life.”

  When the high from my orgasm settled, Jackson was breathing heavy and retrieving my clothes off of the floor.

  “What are you doing?” I didn’t mean for it to come out like a whine, but I knew that it did. I wasn’t ready to get dressed yet. Not even close.

  With a kiss to the top of my head he told me, “This was a trial run, Ryan. And I think we passed, but I’m not fucking you tonight.”

  I wanted to stand and stomp my feet demanding �
�why,’ but instead I sat and pulled my tee over my head, skipping the bra.

  “But what about you—?”

  “I’m okay. They invented cold showers for a reason.” He flashed me his wonderful smile and winked. “Today was about you.”

  Pulling my underwear back on, I watched as he kneeled in front of me between my legs. His hands slid up and down my thighs. It wasn’t sexual, but instead it felt like something that someone who cared about you did when they were trying to make you more comfortable. It worked.

  “I needed you to let me in a little before we went head first into this,” he told me quietly.

  His confession took me back for a moment, but when I considered his words, I found myself smiling. He knew I was nervous about what we were doing, and he had eased me into it. Choosing to make me comfortable over caring about his own physical needs. There was something about it that made me feel even more sure that I was ready to do this thing with him.

  Sexy, amazing with his hands, and caring? What else could a girl ask for when choosing a friend with benefits?

  “Thank you.” And I meant it. A quick kiss on my cheek, and he was standing again.

  “Anything for you, Patterson.”

  He saluted a goodbye and made his way out the door without another word. Leaving me sitting on my couch half dressed and world completely shook.

  If I had been on the fence about doing this before, I was running full speed ahead without any hesitation now. Was that what sex was supposed to feel like? Scratch that. What we had just done wasn’t even sex. It was foreplay, yet Jackson had given me the best orgasm of my entire existence.

  But if I was going to be completely honest with myself, it wasn’t the orgasm that had me smiling like an idiot. It had been his admission. The fact that he had known what I needed and given it to me without a second thought about what he wanted or needed. It was the words he breathed against me that made me feel beautiful and wanted and valued. I knew better than to trust words after everything I had been through with Devlin, but something in the way Jackson spoke them felt like he was being genuine in his praise.

  Behind that jackass armor he wore, there was a kind person.