Loving a Sinner Read online

  Maybe if I’d been a sexy motherfucker before tonight he would be here right now.

  “Where’s Devlin?” she asked carefully. I watched as she swept her gaze across the busy room. People were drinking and laughing, having a good time at the party. At my party. It was my big two-oh. Who would have known turning twenty would feel like agonizing worry rather than mindless fun?

  Where was he? Hell if I knew. But could I admit that to Kayla? I already felt the blush of embarrassment rising on my neck without my permission. There was no way I could admit that my boyfriend of five years had stood me up at my own birthday.

  “He’s coming,” I shrugged nonchalantly, hoping she wouldn’t catch on to the anxiety that was filling my belly. Kayla narrowed her eyes, but she must have decided to believe me because she shoved a glass of wine into my hand and then scurried off to her latest male conquest. Brady? Brody? Bryan? I couldn’t remember.

  As I took in the scene of the party, a rush of conflicting emotions coursed through me. I was angry that I’d let my friends convince me to have this extravagant party in the first place—they knew how much I hated parties. I was disappointed with myself for forgetting that fact and allowing myself to actually get excited about the damn party. But mostly I was worried about Devlin. Where the hell was he?

  I had called him four times and texted him at least twice that many. Each call and text was left unanswered.

  Be cool, I tried to reassure myself. He was fine. Of course he was fine. He was just late, and I was sure he’d have a good explanation.

  But as the hours continued to pass and the people around me got more intoxicated, I began to lose whatever hope I had mustered.

  The Christmas lights Kayla had set up twinkled from around the windows and across the ceiling the dimly lit room. They were beautiful—or they would have been. At any other party. At any other time. Tonight I found them to be just another overwhelming aspect of this overly full room. Tonight they made me feel as though I was suffocating. I needed to get away. To be alone.

  The front door seemed too far away. The kitchen was closer.

  I pushed through the throng of people filling my small apartment.

  The kitchen was empty, and I was glad for once that I had a best friend who scared the shit out of people. She had threatened the balls of anyone who stepped foot in our kitchen. She was weirdly protective of that room, and she had once told me it was because it was sacred ground. A place of worship.

  She took food seriously.

  I found the muffled sounds of the party to be just what I needed. I wasn’t someone who liked big crowds. I didn’t like attention. I didn’t like being stood up by my fucking boyfriend either, if I was being honest. I checked my phone again and found my five texts had still gone unanswered. Frustration boiled, and I could feel it slipping from worry to anger.

  He better be dead. Because if he wasn’t dead, he was about to be.

  I was alone for three whole minutes before someone crashed the pity party I was throwing. I had never seen him before in my life, so I knew he couldn’t have been anyone Kayla invited. We knew all of the same people. He was tall, muscular, and all male. I didn’t want to admit it, but he reminded me of the kind of guy I read about in my steamy romance novels. His eyes were a deep amber, the kind that reminded me of a strong liquor.

  When he told me he was Dev’s best friend, I realized exactly who he was and why I didn’t recognize him. Devlin had told me that his best friend from college was visiting for the summer. I had never seen a picture of him, and not because I hadn’t tried. I had once looked Jackson up on social media sites, but hadn’t been successful.

  As he stood in front of me, so close I could smell him, I wished that he was anyone else. I hated that I was attracted to him, and I blamed the alcohol and the fact that Devlin was MIA for my lapse of judgement.

  After spending only a couple minutes in the same room as him, I had come to the conclusion he was exactly like the man Devlin had described: a smug asshole who was good with the ladies. And when he found out who I was, I knew I had shocked him.

  Jackson stood in front of me, mouth hanging slightly open like I had just told him the second coming of Christ had happened and he missed it. He was shocked to find out who I was, and I only let myself feel guilty for leading him on the way I had for a second before I was reminded that my boyfriend was currently missing, and Jackson was probably the only one who could locate him.

  Dev had told me Jackson was coming, and so I had assumed maybe they came together, but I was wrong. Dev was still gone, and he had yet to call. He was either dead in a ditch or he was about to be, but either way I didn’t have time to put up with his best friend’s bullshit.

  “You don’t know where he is either?” he asked me.

  I didn’t believe for a second that he really didn’t know where Dev was. I mean, what kind of guy forgot that his best friend was coming to town and meeting him at his girlfriend’s birthday party?

  Apparently my guy.

  I shoved the thought away and tried to focus my anger into something constructive… like worry. But something told me that Devlin was fine.

  “No, clearly I have no idea or I wouldn’t be asking you.”

  He stepped away from me and ran his hands through his curly dark hair.

  “I came straight here from the airport,” he told me. He looked around the kitchen as if he thought someone might pop up out of thin air. “He’s really not here?”

  “No.”

  “I haven’t heard from him all day… let me call him again.”

  I watched as Jackson pulled his cell from his jeans pocket. The kitchen’s light was dim, and his face lit when the screen came to life. It highlighted his strong features, and I had to pry my eyes away from him to keep from gawking. Sure, my boyfriend was late to my birthday, but I didn’t want to be a douche and drool over his handsome as hell best friend.

  I waited as he called my boyfriend, but when he got Devlin’s voicemail, Jackson gave me a sad smile.

  “I’ll keep trying.”

  Where the hell was he? Devlin was a type A personality. Everything was planned for months and he was never late to anything. It was unlike him to be late like this, and the fact that he wasn’t even answering Jackson’s calls had me worried.

  He’s fine, I told myself. Just late.

  But something in my gut told me I was wrong. He should’ve been here by now. Sure, we had been having some issues when it came to our relationship—he wanted to be married now while I wanted to finish college first—but our small arguments were just that—small. We had an argument the day before, but he wasn’t standing me up over something stupid like that, was he?

  “It’s unlike him,” Jackson mumbled, echoing my thoughts. His eyes turned from his phone screen to where I stood. I watched as they made their way up my body, and I suddenly felt exposed and awkward. “You look nice.”

  “Uh… thanks.”

  I wasn’t sure how to respond. I was embarrassed, tipsy, and a lot pissed off. As if Jackson could read my mind he reached for his beer and took a swig. It bought me enough time to think of what to say next.

  “How was your flight?”

  I cringed at the forced nature of our conversation. We were both clearly uncomfortable, and something told me part of it had to do with the fact that we had been close enough to kiss each other just a moment earlier.

  “It was fine… Happy birthday, by the way—”

  Our conversation was cut short when his phone rang. We both stared at it as it lit up in his hands before he put it to his ear and answered.

  “Hello?”

  I watched as his jaw clenched and unclenched. Whoever was on the other end had made him angry.

  “Dude, what the actual fuck? Yeah… Yeah she’s here with me now.”

  My heart sunk. It was Devlin.

  At least I knew he was alive.

  “Yeah, I’ll tell her.”

  With a heavy sigh, Jackson hung up and sli
pped his phone back into his pocket. His amber eyes didn’t reach mine for a long time. When they finally did, I knew he didn’t have good news.

  “Is he okay?” I asked quietly.

  “He wants me to tell you that he’s sorry. He got caught up at work…”

  Devlin worked in his dad’s office, and it wasn’t unusual when he worked late nights. But this was my birthday for crying out loud. Did I really mean so little to him? I felt tears burning the back of my eyes, but I refused to waste my mascara over my dick of a boyfriend.

  “Oh…”

  “For the record, I think he’s being a huge ass.”

  “Thanks—”

  It was then my best friend came bursting into the kitchen looking more like a model than a law student. I always hated how perfect she was. I watched as Jackson’s eyes found Kayla. I wondered if he thought she was attractive, and I realized it really didn’t matter.

  “Ryan!” she giggled just as she slammed into Jackson’s chest. She looked up and her smile grew, if that was even possible. “Holy shit! Jackson you found her!”

  Apparently they had already met. It didn’t surprise me in the slightest. Kayla was kind of hard to miss—even more so with the ugly ass plastic crown she wore on the top of her head.

  “So did we figure out where Devlin was?” she asked, turning back in my direction. I didn’t miss the way Jackson’s eyes caught mine. They looked sympathetic and something about having this man feeling sorry for me made me angrier.

  “Yeah…” My voice trailed off, and I stared at the black and white tile of our kitchen floor.

  “He’s at work,” Jackson offered for me.

  I heard Kayla suck in a sharp breath. She mumbled something about him being a rat bastard before she pulled me into a tight hug.

  “Oh, babe. Don’t be sad. He doesn’t deserve your tears.” I didn’t stop her to point out I wasn’t crying, and she continued, “You. Are. Hot! And perfect and everything he’s not. He’s boring and who needs that in their life?”

  Kayla had never liked Devlin. She thought he was boring and dull. She never hid her distaste for him, and until tonight I had always rolled my eyes at her, assuming she was being her dramatic self. But maybe she had been right. Maybe we hadn’t been meant for each other?

  I had to admit, I had been going through the motions lately. He was what I knew. He was easy. I knew what he expected from me, and he was an easy excuse to give guys who hit on me at frat parties. But was that really a reason to stay in a relationship?

  “Anyway, it’s time for your birthday song. Come on. Let’s get drunk and find hotties to stare at!” She tugged at my arm and pulled us out of the kitchen, past Jackson and into our living room. A large cake, one that I hadn’t a clue how it got there, was in the center of the room, lit with candles. In unison everyone began to sing cheerfully.

  Happy birthday to you…

  I stared into the flames as they danced, wishing this could have been any other night than tonight. From the corner of my eye I saw that Jackson had joined the group that was singing to me. It was only when the voices stopped that I realized I was supposed to blow out my candles.

  “Make a wish!” Kayla hooted before I bent over and blew them out in one breath.

  But I didn’t wish. Not this time.

  My friends cheered and clapped, and I watched them… or rather him.

  Jackson.

  His eyes danced wildly in the dim shimmer cast by the Christmas lights. The way he watched me made me feel naked and exposed.

  A shiver ran down my back, and I almost smiled. Almost.

  Something was wrong with me. I liked the way that he watched me. I liked the way his smirk was still plastered on his face while everyone else sang to me. For the first time in years, I felt like someone was truly seeing me. Even though we were surrounded by dozens of my friends, I couldn’t help but feel as though we were the only two really in that moment. It was like one of those cheesy movie moments that were way too cliched to happen in real life. Yet here I was, my eyes locked on his amber ones, watching him curiously while he watched me like I was his next prey.

  But with the pleasure of being watched by someone as handsome as Jackson came the guilt I felt for being caught up in the moment. I wasn’t guilty because I had a boyfriend—Lord knew that was probably ending soon—but it was how quickly I seemed to have forgotten I was supposed to be angry with Devlin for not being here.

  When the party ended and everyone made their way out the door to their next destinations, I found myself telling my best friend I would see her when she got home, if she got home. Kayla hugged me, kissed Jackson on the cheek before whispering something in his ear, and waved, heading with her new flavor of the month, Brody, to whatever party she had begged me to join. I refused, wanting to get to bed. I had a lot to think about.

  When the last person exited the apartment, I turned to find Jackson still there, leaning against the wall. I tried to ignore the way my breath hitched with the thought of being alone with him. It pissed me off that he could affect me the way he did.

  “So, was it everything you hoped it would be? Kayla sure knows how to throw a party.” Jackson’s words were laced with sarcasm, and I wasn’t sure if he was trying to make me feel better or if he didn’t know how to handle weird situations like the one he had found himself in.

  I threw a glare his way. And just like that, his charm wore off. Why was he still here?

  “I don’t know if you noticed, but the door is that way.” I nodded my head toward my front door. He chuckled in response. Fucking chuckled like I had just told a joke. Either he really was a smug asshole or he really was terrible at reading social cues, but in that moment I didn’t care because I wanted to be alone.

  “You’ve got a bite with that bark?” he asked with a smirk.

  If he didn’t realize he was poking a sleeping bear, he did when I spat, “Okay, asshole, you’ve had your fun. Get the hell out.”

  He studied me, smirk plastered on that gorgeous face before quirking an eyebrow. “Don’t know how Devlin could stay away from a girl like you. You seem… fun.”

  Who did this jerk think he was? He had waltzed his handsome ass into my house, crashed my party, and told me that my boyfriend was going to miss said party. What? Did he want a handshake? An appreciative blowjob?

  “Ry Bread, relax. It was a joke.” I cringed at the nickname. It was something Mom had called me my whole life. I liked that nickname about as much as I liked her. Which wasn’t saying much.

  “Well,” I scoffed, “I think we’ve shared a fair amount of laughs for the night. Leave.”

  His expression sobered a bit before stepping closer to me. My heart beat fast and I cursed my body for betraying whatever sanity I had left after tonight.

  “You going to be okay?” His voice was softer and concerned.

  “I’m perfect. Nothing says ‘happy birthday’ like your boyfriend never showing up. But thanks for stopping by and giving me the best birthday gift I could have asked for.” I didn’t try to hide my contempt, and he gave me a loud, short laugh.

  “My presence?”

  “Yes, exactly what I meant,” I deadpanned back. “No, the news that my boyfriend apparently chooses his job over me.”

  “And I’m getting blamed for Devlin being a dick, why?”

  He had a point, but I didn’t want to admit it. Someone needed to be blamed for Devlin’s lack of human decency, and at the moment Jackson was my best option.

  “Because it’s my birthday, and I say so.”

  I meant it as a joke… sort of. But it fell flat due to the seriousness of the situation.

  “God, you’re a pest!” he smiled.

  Okay. I was officially done with this guy. He caught on to my irritation and toned down his obnoxious behavior long enough to give me a small, crooked smile. “Let me take you out for your birthday tomorrow. We’ll have lunch wherever you’d like.”

  “Yeah,” I looked down at the nonexistent watch on my wr
ist, “I checked my calendar, and I realized I have something going on tomorrow… and every day after that.” I watched his eyebrows raise. Oh yes, he’d met his match. “Sorry,” I offered with an indifferent shrug. Making sure my sarcasm couldn’t be missed.

  But just like the jackass I was starting to realize Jackson was, he didn’t let that phase him. “Hmm, well Kayla already made reservations for lunch at your favorite Italian restaurant and it has our names on it.”

  My mouth dropped open and I sputtered, “What… how… she…”

  “Originally it was for the two of you, but she can’t make it. Apparently her new guy is whisking her off to Catalina for the weekend. She asked if I could step in,” he explained.

  Kayla. That bitch. That wonderful, plotting bitch.

  Before I could protest, he pressed a finger to my lips and smiled. “See you at 12:30.”

  And just like that, the infuriatingly handsome Jackson Bennett made his leave. Quietly shutting my front door behind him without a second glance my way.

  I stared at the door for a moment longer, wondering what the hell had just happened, but feeling a wave of happiness come over me for the first time that night.

  After I had taken a shower, brushed my teeth, and slipped into a nightshirt, my phone’s tinkling sounded through my quiet room. I knew from the specific ringtone that it was my lousy boyfriend. My boyfriend who didn’t show tonight. I contemplated not answering, but wanted to get the breakup over with as soon as possible.

  “Ryan!” his worried voice blasted into my ear before I had the chance to even say hello. “God, Ryan. I’m so so sorry. Babe, I can’t believe I forgot your party.”

  Did he forget the part where he was dating me not his work too?

  “Devlin—”

  “No,” he cut me off, “I’m going to make it up to you! Darn it! It was supposed to be such a special night!”

  “Devlin,” I tried again. I wanted to put him out of his supposed misery. “I think we both know this isn’t exactly working.”

  “Why would you say that?” His voice sounded anxious, and I couldn’t miss the way his voice rose an octave. A knot formed in my stomach, and I couldn’t help but wonder if his reason for missing my party was more than working late.