Loving a Sinner Read online

  He didn’t think I wanted to keep him? Was he insane? I replayed every happy moment we had shared together. Had I really been that bad at showing him how I felt? I thought I had done my best to put my heart on my sleeve when we were kids, but maybe I was wrong.

  I hadn’t just wanted to keep him. I had wanted to drown in him.

  “What?” My voice cracked from the emotion I was feeling. “Why would you think that?”

  He didn’t look at me when he answered, “I heard you and Kayla that night. The night before I left… I didn’t want to get in the way of your future. So I made the decision for us both to leave. I wanted to give you the best shot at a normal and happy life…”

  The tears I had been trying to ignore began to fall down my cheeks. I angrily swiped at them, not wanting to show how much I hurt. I hated that he still had this power over me. I hated that my heart had chosen him and never let go even when my head had tried. I hated how much I still loved this man.

  “What do you mean you heard Kayla and me?” I demanded. I had no idea what he was talking about. The night before he had left, I was hanging out at home with Kayla, drinking wine and watching ridiculous romance movies that had reminded me of Jackson. I had spent the entire night wishing I was in his arms as he made love to me rather than with my bitter friend who was going through a breakup.

  “I… I came by that night. I was going to surprise you guys with dessert and wine, but when I got there… Ryan I heard what you told her.”

  My memory of the things I could have said that night was fuzzy from ten years that had passed. What had he heard? I had been head over heels for him.

  And then I remembered.

  I gasped and looked at him with wide eyes. And when he turned to look at me, I knew.

  Every second I had spent away from him wondering where I had gone wrong. Wondering why he had left me in the rain.

  It had been my fault.

  My fault.

  Mine.

  Jackson may have given me physical space the day after he had come over to my apartment, but he sure as hell didn’t understand what needing space meant. My phone constantly pinged with texts full of little reminders that he cared about me. Something about three days of silence followed by a day of constant buzzing grated on my nerves.

  He had really done a number those three days he had done his little vanishing act. He knew that I was insecure about being left behind. Yet he hadn’t thought twice when he did it himself. He had told me he had family shit, but was I honestly supposed to believe him? Why couldn’t he have just told me he was at least okay?

  Something didn’t add up, and if there was one thing I hated, it was liars. I had spent my life surrounded by them, and I wasn’t about to give myself over fully to another one.

  I jumped when our front door burst open and a pissed off Kayla came bustling through.

  “Jesus, Kay, what’s got your panties in a wad?” I joked, but the bitterness that was resting in my gut showed up in my tone and I just sounded bitchy.

  “I’m so fucking done with men, Ryan,” she told me. She rushed past me and headed in the direction of our kitchen.

  Shit. I knew what had happened, and shot up a quick prayer to the Big Man Upstairs, praying things weren’t about to get ugly. I had a feeling He didn’t hear me, if the way my life had been going was any indication.

  “What happened?” I called from my spot on the couch.

  “Brody is a fucking douche. That’s what happened,” she yelled back. I listened as the kitchen cabinets were opened and slammed shut. I remained quiet until she returned with a glass of wine and a sour expression.

  “What did he do?” I probed.

  She took a swig of wine before answering, “He’s not ready to make things ‘official’ with me and said he thought we were just having fun.” Another gulp of wine and she continued, “Can you believe that shit? I, Kayla Freaking Lane, finally put myself out there and asked for a relationship and that’s what I get?”

  I hadn’t realized that she felt so seriously about Brody. The last I had heard he was her flavor of the month.

  I raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. When Kayla was angry, she bit off the head of anyone who she came in contact with.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” she accused me. She wiggled her finger in my direction while she took another sip of her drink. “Kayla doesn’t do boyfriends. Well, this just confirmed that.”

  I felt sad for my best friend as well as angry. I wished she had told me she was wanting to date. I would have begged her to look for another man to do it with. Brody was all dudebro, and apparently she was the only one who hadn’t seen it. I was silently thankful he had denied her request to be her boyfriend. I couldn’t imagine having to keep that guy around.

  “You can do better, Kay. You have to know that. So what if this asshole wasn’t the one? There’s a man out there who would die to have you as their own.”

  Kayla plopped down beside me and sighed. It was then that I saw the unshed tears in her eyes and the way that her cheeks were flushed. She had been crying before she came home. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her into me.

  “I don’t want to be owned, Ryan.”

  “Being in love isn’t being owned,” I argued softly. “It just means you get to spend the rest of your life feeling something only a handful of people are lucky to really find.”

  She peeked at me out of the corner of her eye, “And have you found that Ryan Patterson?”

  Had I?

  I knew what I felt for Jackson went beyond whatever I had felt with Devlin. I had always thought I loved Devlin, but it wasn’t until Jackson barged into my life that everything I thought I had known was turned upside down.

  “I think so,” I replied. Kayla clucked in surprise, and I had to admit even I was surprised by my answer.

  “Well, I have to say. There’s worse people to fall in love with than Jackson Bennett. I hate to admit it after the shit he pulled, but I kinda have a soft spot for the idiot. Seeing you two together was the main reason I was willing to give Brody and I a chance.” She glared at me jokingly and then sighed. “I don’t know, he seems like a great guy, Ry… And it helps that he’s sexy as all hell too,” she giggled.

  I rolled my eyes at her, but she ignored me and kicked her shoes off.

  I slapped her thigh and smiled. “Come on, best friend. Let’s get drunk and watch rom coms while stuffing our mouths with spoonfuls of chocolate ice cream.”

  Kayla smiled at me. “See, this is why I keep you around,” she joked.

  I shoved her before getting up and running to my room. I needed to head to the store to pick up our night’s worth of alcohol and creamy treats. I shot Jackson a text telling him what had happened with Kayla, hoping she wouldn’t care that I told him.

  I was in my car when I got his text.

  Jackson: shit… do you guys need anything?

  Ryan: no, I’m getting ice cream at the store while she showers. Girl’s night tonight. Hoping it’ll help her feel better.

  Jackson: if you need anything lemme know

  Ryan: will do

  Jackson: And Ryan?

  Jackson: I miss you.

  I didn’t text him back because I still didn’t know what to say. I wanted to let go of what happened and forgive him, and part of me already had. But the insecure part, the broken one, couldn’t stop worrying and overthinking.

  He’s going to leave. You know this, you idiot. Don’t fall for something that’s temporary.

  But I already had, and I knew it.

  All I could do now was brace myself for the collision at the end of the fall.

  I returned home with Kayla’s favorite ice cream and four bottles of wine. Realistically I knew I didn’t actually need that much, but I figured my best friend would appreciate the extra Rosé.

  “Bitch, what took you so long?” Kayla laughed as she settled into the couch. Her outstretched hands demanded one of the bottles I had just bough
t. “The bottle opener is in the kitchen, be a doll and go fetch it for me?”

  I rolled my eyes and headed toward our kitchen after I gave her the bottle. She did a little shimmy with it in hand, making me laugh. She was insane.

  “Oh, and Ryan?” she called from the living room. “You’re gonna need your own bottle, because I’m not sharing. I need all of this if I’m going to have even the slightest chance at forgetting what a shitshow today has been.”

  I found our opener in one of our drawers that contained mismatched appliances and carried my own bottle of wine back to the living room. Kayla was getting whatever movie she had chosen started and didn’t even look my way when I sat on the ground beside the couch.

  “Thank you,” she told me quietly as if if she said it any louder someone would hear her and realize she was capable of breaking like anyone else.

  “What are friends for?”

  “Wine and ice cream and sappy movies,” she snorted, once again shielding her emotions with the façade of being happy and carefree.

  I bit my lip, not wanting to push her past her limit, but silently wishing she would just let me in sometimes.

  But Kayla was a force to be reckoned with, and even when she was breaking, she appeared to be whole.

  The rest of our girl’s night was filled with sweet wine, loud music we sung our hearts out to, and drunken girl talk.

  “So what?” Kayla giggled, taking another swig from her bottle of wine. We were both on our second bottle. It was a good thing I had picked up four after all. “You and Jackson are dating now?”

  I rolled my eyes dramatically and threw my hands in the air. “No… we’re just having fun for now.”

  Kayla let out a laugh. It was syrupy and was the kind of laugh that could easily seep into your soul. Stupid Brody for not seeing what he had right in front of his damn face.

  “You’re so full of shit,” she scoffed. “You guys are crazy about each other. It’s more than fun at this point.”

  I was about to respond when I thought I heard the front door open. We were currently in Kayla’s room. She was laying on the bed and I was sprawled across her floor. When I didn’t hear any other noise from the living room, I brushed it off and looked up at my friend who was wiggling her eyebrows.

  “It’s just a fling, Kayla. No matter how we might feel for each other. He’s going back to New York, and I’m staying here in California. He’ll go off and be some multi-billionaire while I find some suitable middle-class guy, probably a teacher or something, to start a family with.”

  “Gawd,” Kayla laughed, “Please don’t marry a teacher. That’s so lame.”

  I giggled and closed my eyes. I tried to imagine a life with some average man. Maybe he would be a good guy. Someone to care of me and love me and provide for me. But each time I saw my future, there was only one face I saw.

  Jackson.

  “Unless Jackson becomes a teacher, I don’t think we have to worry,” I mused aloud.

  An excited gasp came from the bed and a squeal followed. “I fucking knew it!!”

  “Shut up,” I told my best friend. We both became quiet, and I let the sound of her fan lull me into a drunken sleep.

  Dreaming of the man with amber eyes who had completely stolen my heart and my future.

  He’ll go off and be some multi-billionaire while I find some suitable middle-class guy, probably a teacher or something, to start a family with.

  Ryan’s sweet voice rang through my head as I hurried out of their apartment and rushed to my car. I was such an idiot for thinking that I could be the guy someone like her would settle down with. Apparently, I had read all of the signs wrong. She had never promised me her future. She promised me the present, and I had been the one to ask for it in the first place.

  Of course, she didn’t see herself marrying me. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I saw myself marrying ever. All I had known was that I wanted to have her for the rest of my goddamn life. Something we clearly were not on the same page for.

  Stupid. So stupid.

  I hated that I had been willing to give up everything for her. I was going to choose this woman who had put me under her spell in such a short time over my family name and my future as a businessman. What was I thinking?

  As I drove back to Los Angeles, I tried to pretend that I didn’t feel the pain that came with every beat of my heart. Because I, Jackson Bennett, did not do this shit. I didn’t fall for pretty girls and throw away my future for them. I didn’t let them have my heart just for them to say they didn’t want it. I was a man who didn’t need anyone, not a father who took out his anger on my marred skin, not a mother who cried and covered her ears to my screams, not a best friend who had betrayed me by going to my father during a tantrum, and not a girl who made me believe I was finally saved.

  When I got to the penthouse, I kicked the door to my room closed and pulled at my hair. I wanted it all to go away. I hated feeling vulnerable. I hated that I had put myself in a position to get hurt.

  Throwing my clothes into my suitcases, I packed for my journey back home. There was no reason to stay any longer in sunny California. No, the cold concrete of New York City was waiting for the return of a man who would never be the same again.

  Because Ryan destroyed more than my hopes for our future with her words. She took a part of me, a part of my soul that I had willingly given her, and I wouldn’t ever get it back.

  She deserves better. And when you’re out of the picture, she’ll get better. She’ll find a man who doesn’t come from a shitty family. She’ll find a man who can give her marriage, give her children, give her a home.

  Because while I was willing to give her my everything. It wasn’t enough. Not for her.

  Because all I had to offer was a mangled heart.

  A heart that cracked each time blood coursed through it.

  She.

  Crack

  Was.

  Crack

  My.

  Crack

  Everything.

  But the truth was, I wasn’t her anything but a fun time.

  And that was when everything shattered.

  When I woke up, stiff from sleeping on Kayla’s bedroom floor, I couldn’t help but smile. I loved the shit out of Jackson, and it was about time I told him. Even if he left, we could still work out. Long distance was a scary thought, but we could Skype… or he could visit whenever he had the time. Maybe I would finally be able to visit The Big Apple.

  Regardless, I wasn’t going to let him go. We was mine. And I was completely his.

  I groaned as my muscles protested when I sat up. My head spun from a massive wine hangover, and my mouth felt like I had swallowed sand the night before. Kayla was snoring on her bed. She was out, and I knew it would be a couple of hours before she woke up. It gave me enough time to head to L.A. to talk to Jackson.

  The nervous flutter in my stomach stayed with me as I got ready and eventually headed to the building his father’s penthouse was located. What if he didn’t want to date me? What if he didn’t feel the same way about me?

  No, he had to. I could feel it.

  When I finally made my way to the apartment, my stomach dropped at what I saw. The excited butterflies that had been flapping within me came to a halt and died.

  Jackson’s door was wide open, housekeeping was cleaning the room thoroughly. His suitcases were piled in the doorway, and Jackson was pacing the floor while talking animatedly on his cell.

  “Yeah, I’ll be arriving at 11:45,” he paused and sighed, “Yes, Dad, I remember… Jesus Christ, okay!” The harshness of his voice made me flinch. This wasn’t my Jackson. This was some stranger that I didn’t understand or like. He seemed cold and stiff. He wasn’t the sunny person that could make me melt with one of his wide smiles. “‘Kay, bye.”

  He shoved his phone into his pocket and turned to where I was silently standing, watching him.

  “What’s going on?” I forced out, though I knew the answer.

  He was
leaving.

  “I have a plane to catch, Ryan. What do you need?” His words were like winter. Frigid and burning cold. They felt like ice and cut me. They’d leave a scar.

  “A plane?” I asked stupidly. Everything I had come to say died on my tongue as I watched his eyebrows furrow. His stare told me I was unwelcome.

  “Well, I’m not sailing to New York.”

  New York.

  Wherelse had I thought he was going?

  “New York? You’re…” I looked around the room and back at his cold glare, “You’re leaving?”

  “Something came up, and I have to leave earlier than I thought,” he shrugged.

  Shrugged. He broke the news as though it was no big deal. Like he wasn’t leaving me here alone.

  Then it hit me.

  “Were you even going to say goodbye?” I demanded. As my shock wore off, it was replaced with a fire of exasperation.

  “No.”

  Even through my anger, I felt his words pierce me. Confusion set in once again, and I felt lightheaded. I had read everything so completely wrong.

  As if he could sense my confusion, he explained rather hastily, “I wasn’t going to have time. I was going to call you.”

  Call me? As if a phone call to break the news that he had left was enough.

  I could feel the blood rushing to my head and I began to shake.

  “I’m sorry to have ruined your plan,” I ground out.

  Our conversation was interrupted by a man telling Jackson he was here to take his bags to the car. Without a word, Jackson brushed past me and followed him.

  I trailed behind, wringing my hands together. I couldn’t quite place how I felt. Betrayed, hurt, sad, angry, disappointed.

  Too much was racing through my head as we made our way outside to where the rental car was idling.

  We both watched as the man threw the suitcases into the trunk. They looked as heavy as my heart felt. Jackson wordlessly tipped him and he left us alone on the sidewalk.

  “I’m sorry,” Jackson whispered, his back to me.

  “I don’t understand…”

  I felt a drop of water hit my cheek. Thinking it was a tear, I wiped it away as another fell on my arm. Looking up, I saw that it had begun to rain.