Loving a Sinner Page 15

  He took a deep breath as if he were trying to steady himself, talk himself out of whatever it was we were about to do.

  Do it, I urged him silently. Choose me. Keep me. Love me.

  “Ryan…” he breathed. I felt his warm breath against my lips. I could almost taste the sweet flavor that only belonged to him.

  “I should get home,” I replied stupidly. Trying and failing to sound convincing. We both knew I wanted to be here with him.

  “Let me take you,” he told me. This time he didn’t ask, it sounded like a demand, and I was not one to refuse.

  “Okay.”

  The moment he stepped back, I instantly missed his warmth and presence. How could I miss someone that was still standing less than a foot away from me?

  My hands were trembling when he took one of them into his own, and I prayed he couldn’t tell.

  “Let’s get you home,” he mumbled. He didn’t sound like he meant it.

  What he didn’t know was my heart was screaming:

  I am.

  I spent the days following my dad’s phone call alone in an empty apartment. For almost a week, the barren space had been filled with Ryan’s laughter. We had spent long nights discussing everything from the difference between the West and East Coasts to intimate things. I knew about her mother and the fear she had that she would one day become like her. Our nights had been full of life and secrets. Now I was haunted by our happy moments and Ryan’s perfume that still lingered on my sheets.

  I had received a dozen calls from Ryan and Kayla checking on my whereabouts and well-being, but I hit the ignore button each time. I needed time to collect my thoughts—figure out what I was going to do. Because before my dad dropped the paternity bomb on me, I had really begun to think I might have had a chance to keep Ryan.

  But one phone call had shot that all to hell, where the rest of my dreams had gone to die throughout my life with Benjamin.

  If I was going to break things off with Ryan, I couldn’t see her. I knew if I saw her, there was no way I could leave her. I would have said to hell with my inheritance and the years of work I had put toward building a business with Devlin.

  So I sat, sulking for three days. Three days of solitude. Three days of silence. Three days in a tomb of a room. It was empty, aside from myself. Although, I too felt rather empty.

  On the third day, I finally forced myself to return Ryan’s phone calls. I read through her messages to gage where she was emotionally before I made the call, knowing that three days of not hearing from me had to have pissed her off.

  August 5:

  Ryan (11:27 AM): hey! Movie at my place tonight?

  Ryan (12:31 PM): you ok? Where are you?

  Ryan (12:42 PM): hey, I called you… Lemme know about the movie…

  Ryan (7:45 PM): Well… Idk what’s going on, but I hope you’re ok. I tried calling again, but I don’t want to bother you. Just give me a call when you can

  August 6:

  Ryan (9:34 AM): Hey you there?

  Ryan (6:01 PM): Okay, seriously… Are you okay?? I’m gonna send Kayla over there if you don’t answer soon… Send a signal, any signal to let me know you’re alive.

  Ryan (6:46 PM): Honestly, any signal. Smoke, morse code, telepathically if that’s something you can do…

  Ryan (11:44 PM): Kayla said you told her to go away. At least I know you’re alive… what’s going on Jackson??

  August 7:

  Ryan (1:02 AM): WTF Jackson.

  Ryan (3:30 AM): whatever, I’m done trying to get a hold of you. Want to talk? You know where to find me.

  She didn’t answer the first time I tried calling her. Not that I really blamed her. I had been an asshole, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she decided to leave my sorry ass in the dust. But a selfish part of me wanted to hear her. Everything within me begged to be near her again.

  So I got out of bed and got ready. I dressed in my damn best. I shaved, brushed my teeth, and peeled my pride off of the floor where it was waiting for me.

  As I made my way out of the door, down the elevator and to the parking garage, I was still uncertain how I was going to approach the situation I found myself in. I had spent three days trying to convince myself leaving her was the best choice for everyone, the easy choice. But as I neared my car, I couldn’t help but acknowledge the one single fault in my plan: I was falling for Ryan. I was falling, and I really didn’t think there was anyway to stop it now. I was either going to crash and burn or soar with her by my side.

  Ryan’s apartment was quiet when I reached their front door. Normally you could hear the television playing in the background when you stood and waited for them to answer the door. But not that day. No, it was eerily quiet.

  I knocked on their door and held my breath, hating the fact that I still didn’t have a gameplan. Knowing exactly how this was going to turn out. I would lie, tell her that something came up and that was why I had gone MIA for three days, and I would go on pretending as though this little fling was what I wanted. I would have her for a couple more weeks and then I would leave her behind. I knew, deep down, that she felt for me more than she admitted. I felt it in every touch and saw it in her eyes when she looked at me. I just needed to ignore all of that and hope that when I left, she wouldn’t be left to pick up the pieces.

  I heard shuffling from the other end of the door, and when the door swung open, I was face to face with a very pissed off Kayla.

  “Oh, look who decided to join the living.”

  “Kayla, I need to talk to Ryan, please.”

  “Oh now you wanna talk?” Kayla crossed her arms and gave me her best bitch face.

  “Come on, Kay… Just let me see her.”

  I tried to push my way past her, but she held her ground.

  “Jackson Bennett,” she growled, quiet and almost a whisper, “I swear to sweet baby Jesus, I will fucking murder your ass if you hurt her.”

  I felt the guilt swimming in my stomach, but I gave her a scowl that told her she wasn’t scaring me.

  “I don’t see how any of this is your business.”

  “You idiot! Of course it is!” she hissed, “Ryan is my best friend! Maybe you two dumbasses can’t see what everyone else sees, but this isn’t casual anymore. And if you guys keep going the way you are, you’ll both end up hurt.”

  I rolled my eyes and tried to get past her yet again, but her slender arm blocked the doorway.

  “Jackson,” she pleaded. I finally looked her in the eyes and saw the true concern she held for us there. “Jackson, please. She’s my favorite person in this world, and I don’t want to see the aftermath of this wildfire. You need to tell her how you feel about her… how you really feel about her.”

  What Kayla didn’t know was that there was much more than feelings that needed some truth shed. But how the hell was I supposed to make this work? If I chose Ryan, a girl I barely knew, I lost everything. But if I chose to listen to Benjamin, I still felt like I was losing everything anyway. I was damned if I did, damned if I didn’t.

  I took a hold of Kayla’s arm and lowered it so I could pass by her, but before I did, I heard her whisper one last plea, “Jackson, promise you won’t hurt her.”

  I didn’t respond. I walked past her as if I didn’t hear her words. Because the truth was I couldn’t promise her shit. Because I had a feeling this thing Ryan and I were pretending to do so casually was going to end in nothing but heartache.

  I just wished that I had the strength to walk away before that happened.

  I could hear Kayla talking to someone at our front door, and if I had to bet, it was Jackson. I wondered if he had come to finally end things with me or if he had come to grovel. Either way, he needed a damn good excuse for ghosting me for three days without a single word.

  A knock on my bedroom door indicated that either Kayla or our guest was waiting for my answer. An answer they weren’t going to receive because I felt like being a mopey bitch and didn’t care to hear what anyone had to say in that mo
ment. But when a second knock came, I blew out a frustrated breath and threw the covers off of me. Not only had this person ruined whatever peace I had been feeling before they arrived, they were also the reason I was no longer snuggled into my warm comforter.

  Throwing the door open, I found a very guilty Jackson staring back at me, which pissed me off more than I had expected.

  “Jackson,” was all I said. It came out like a growl, which wasn’t too far off considering the fact that I was currently imagining what it would feel like to punch his pretty little face.

  “Ryan, I—”

  I threw my hand up, cutting him off from whatever it was he was about to say.

  “I honestly don’t want to hear it.”

  “Just let me explain—”

  “No.”

  “Please.”

  “Maybe in three days,” I shot back. I was being passive aggressive as fuck, but honestly the asshole deserved it. Who did he think he was? He had led me to believe we were more than our casual fucks and fooling around, but clearly I had been wrong. Even worse, he had refused to talk to me for three days.

  I had been worried sick about him before I sent an annoyed Kayla over to his dad’s penthouse. When she returned with news that he was, in fact, alive and was actually just a dick who refused to answer my calls and texts, I was livid. It was common decency to let the person you’re currently seeing know that you’re okay. But I hadn’t heard a single word.

  “I deserve that,” he relented, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck looking remorseful. Damn right he deserved it.

  “I thought you had gotten hurt or something,” I told him in a softer voice. It cracked, and I cursed myself for being so weak around him, but just thinking about the worry that had coursed through me for those few hours of not knowing what was going on had my heart breaking all over again.

  “I know… I’m really sorry.”

  “You know what?” I threw my hands up exasperated and over the drama of it all. This was supposed to be fun. I was supposed to let go and be young and carefree. This was far from that, and I didn’t feel like getting broken all over again in such a short amount of time. So I continued, “This was just a fling. It’s no big deal. You wanna leave for three days and act like I don’t exist? You can. Because I’m not your girlfriend. I’m not even sure I’m the only girl you’re…” My voice trailed off because I didn’t want to finish that sentence. I saw the anger simmering behind his amber eyes.

  “You think I’m fucking other women?” he demanded. His voice was so deep and strained I couldn’t help but gulp and close my eyes. I didn’t want to see the look he was giving me any longer.

  “I don’t know,” I told him honestly.

  The loud bang coming from the right side of my head had my eyes flying open in surprise. He had hit the wall beside us.

  What the hell?!

  “Get the fuck out!” I finally snapped. There was no way he got to be mad at me when he had been the inconsiderate asshole.

  “No,” he refused.

  “I’m done, Jackson. This was just supposed to be fun!” The more we argued, the higher my voice became. I was getting emotional and squeaky, and I couldn’t believe he was getting to me like this. This was why I should have been smarter about this. What did I think I was doing when I agreed to this arrangement?

  “I’m not fucking other people, Ryan. How could you even…” He scrubbed his face with the palms of his hands and returned his angry eyes to mine. “How could you even think that? What is it I’ve said and done that made you draw that conclusion?”

  I knew he was telling the truth, and though he was going about this the entirely wrong way, I knew I had really hurt his feelings.

  “Jackson…” Taking a slow breath to steady my racing heart, I tried to finish sounding more collected than I felt, “We never said we were together… you know like… boyfriend, girlfriend. And then these past three days… I don’t know. It just seems more complicated now.”

  Complicated now? my heart wanted to laugh at me. Try, complicated from the beginning, Honey.

  “Look, I only have a couple more weeks left here in Rocksend… Can we just finish this thing off and see where we end up at the end of those two weeks? Why make any major decisions now?”

  He had to be kidding me. He went from being mad at me to sounding as though he couldn’t bear the thought of losing me. Jackson had to be the most complicated man I had ever encountered. I didn’t know what he expected from this thing between us. I honestly wasn’t sure if he knew what he wanted.

  “Jackson—”

  “Ryan, don’t decide right now. I didn’t talk to anyone these past three days because some family shit came up, and it put me in a bad place. But I’m here now. And I’m here saying that I’m sorry for being a dick. I don’t want to waste time being angry with each other. Not when I’m leaving so soon.”

  He was leaving in a mere couple weeks. That was enough to snap me out of any thoughts I was having and back to reality. Our harsh and unavoidable reality. He was still leaving. I was still staying. Each second I spent with him had me falling harder for this man who surprised me with every turn. He was kind and deep and misunderstood and hurting and beautiful. I wouldn’t be able to let him go if I kept going this way with him. No, it would be easier to end things now rather than later.

  But why did it feel so wrong?

  “Okay… No decisions today. But that means I need you to go. Because I can’t have you here when I’m trying to think.”

  “Because I’m a distraction?” he asked playfully, but it fell flat. Nothing about this moment was happy or funny.

  “Something like that,” I tried to smile back.

  He stepped forward and kissed the top of my head before pulling me into a tight hug.

  “I really am sorry, Ryan,” he mumbled into my hair. “For leaving you hanging like that. For making you think that I was off with other girls. For making you feel like you aren’t enough for me. Because, baby… you’re everything. You have to know that.”

  His words sent a painfully wonderful jolt into my heart.

  You’re everything…

  It echoed in my mind again and again until I was dizzy with one overwhelming feeling: love.

  And love wasn’t exactly what I was supposed to be feeling when I was about to end things with someone.

  “Okay,” was the only thing I could think to say back without sounding like an idiot.

  He pulled away and placed a chaste kiss against my lips.

  “I’ll see you later?” He sounded unsure, so I nodded my head.

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay…” He shoved his hands in his pockets and backed away from me, keeping his eyes locked with mine. “I’ll see you soon.”

  I nodded again, unable to let any words leave my mouth.

  We were agreeing to at least one more day.

  So why did it feel like goodbye?

  The tension on our way back to her place was so charged that it would have electrocuted someone had they been in the car with us.

  I knew she wanted me to ask her to stay, but I was worried that it was the wine talking… or maybe the pheromones or some shit. Either way, there was a chance she would regret her choice the next morning, and I couldn’t chance that. So I had begrudgingly ignored the signs she was sending, hating every mile that passed as we neared her apartment.

  “Thank you for joining me tonight,” I forced out, trying to sound as cheerful as humanly possible in this kind of situation.

  “Mmm,” was her short response. She kept her eyes glued to the window, and I found myself wondering if she really saw all the buildings and people and cars we passed or if she was just trying to keep her eyes off of me.

  I cleared my throat, not knowing what else to do. This caught her attention, and I saw her peek at me through the corner of her eye.

  Gotcha.

  “What are your plans for the rest of the week?” I asked.

  “Not much. Wor
k.”

  Again her response was less than enthusiastic. She was actually punishing me for being an adult and making a wise decision for us. I wanted to laugh, but I was too annoyed by the circumstance for one to escape. I wanted her to stay with me just as much as she did. I hoped she knew that.

  The car creeped to a stop, and I internally groaned, knowing our night had come to an end.

  “Thanks for the ride… friend,” she smiled. Her voice rang false. It was too damn happy and could have put Barbie to shame. And friend? What was that about?

  Goddammit.

  She was going to get her way.

  “Ryan?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Stay,” I said on a sigh. “Go get your stuff, and stay with me tonight.”

  I didn’t ask because we both knew her answer.

  She feigned indifference and pursed her lips as if she were actually thinking about how she would answer.

  “Go get your stuff for chrissakes!” I laughed. I gave her a slight push toward the door before turning to my driver, “Ben, wait for Miss Patterson to return before we head back home.”

  He nodded, but I caught his eyes narrowing.

  Ben had been my driver for the past six years and had seen a lot of the shit I had done. In fact, he had seen way too much, but fortunately he was loyal and never told a single soul. Lord knew the stories he could sell to the tabloids could easily allow him to retire early and live on a comfortable cushion for the rest of his life.

  He had once joked that he kept a tally of the number of women he picked up and brought to my home. When I asked him how many were on the list, he rolled his eyes, telling me it was enough to warrant getting my junk checked.

  As he stared at me through his rearview mirror, I made a mental note that he needed a raise.

  When Ryan had made her way into the building without giving me a single yes or no, I turned to Ben and eyed the back of his head.

  “Ben, you looked like you had something to say,” I challenged.

  “Nope.”

  “You’ve always been brutally honest, why change now?”

  “She’s different,” was all he said. When he spoke I heard the softness of his voice. And damn, I realized he cared about me. How had I missed that before?